I Want.

I want many things, my friends. And that grosses me out.

I’ve been home for a little over a week now, and I am loving it. It’s not perfect, by any means. I have no idea how to get most places, even though I’ve lived in this neighborhood for 22 of my 24 years. I’m now the driver, no longer the passenger. I’m meeting up with friends, many of which I have not seen in two, three, six years. I’m playing with my little snuggle bean of a nephew.

I’m living in a giant bedroom with a picture window that offers me a huge view of the lake I live on, my own flat-screen TV with cable, and my very own bathroom that has a shower that doesn’t leak for hours. AND I HAVE A DOOR! I have as much privacy as I want, save for the hours my dad spends playing on the computer in my room.

But this isn’t what I want. At least, most of it. If you read my previous blog or had any contact with me in the past year, you’ll know that I spent the last year or so greatly missing this state of Great Lakes. That still rings true, and I’m very happy to be here. But it’s not what I want forever.

I recently caught up with a friend that had her first international experience this spring. She had never been out of the country or flown by herself. She spent six weeks in Germany in this radical school for punk rock missionaries, and I am so proud and wickedly jealous of her. I love seeing transformation in people. To be specific, I love seeing how seeing the world changes people. Watching her eyes light up while showing me- and the other 13 people present for the slideshow- pictures of the German hot dog she ate every day and the funny road signs and the crazy historical churches made my eyes well up faster than a Nicholas Sparks book.

That’s what I want. Well, not the German hot dog.

Another dear friend and I were speaking on one of my last nights in Denver while being served veggie burgers by drag queens (Oh, Denver), and I wanted to weep and laugh at the same time. We were speaking of our experiences as lowly volunteers. She and I both spent a year of our lives living in community and were wondering where our lives would go next. The conversation turned to privilege. I have yet to adequately explain my feelings about privilege, but she took the words right out of my mouth. Of course, I didn’t write them down, so now I’ll feebly attempt to restring them. I don’t want my life to be wrapped up in cable TV and Facebook and what kind of car I drive and what kind of house I have. I can’t change the fact that I was born into this country and system of privilege, but I can’t help but feel that the only way to live is to fully embrace the power bestowed upon me and use it for the good of someone else- not just myself.

I have an American passport, and I’m not afraid to use it.

For years, I have dreamed (dreamt?) about the Peace Corps. Now, before you get any ideas, I’m not applying. At least, not yet. But I have practically read every blog, book, and other memoir that exists about Peace Corps service. I’ve drooled over the idea of having RPCV (Returned Peace Corps Volunteer) listed after my name like others what to see MSW, PhD… But that’s what I want. The Peace Corps is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am nowhere near as skilled as I need to be for the kind of assignment I want. But that doesn’t mean someday I can’t apply! Or, you know, find an equally awesome program that would allow me to teach computer literacy.

My dad and I recently spent a looooong time in the car alone which forced us to talk. He’d rather I’d become a businesswoman that can afford a nice sprawling home in the surburbs, a cabin on a lake, two kids, a nice husband and a nicer SUV, but I think for once I finally was able to convince him that that’s not what I want. Then, he said something that surprised me. “Holly,” he said, keeping his eyes fixed on the Rockies stretched out before us, “The only thing I want for you is for you to be an asset to the world. However you do it is up to you.”


For now, I will attempt to tame the travel beast lurking inside me by memorizing all of the contents of bootsnall.com and hope that my next job will be some magical combination of library service, information technology, and foreign soil.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by bahava on June 20, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    i’ve always thrown around the peace corps idea! that would be fabulous if you did it someday 🙂


  2. Posted by Kim L on June 22, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Do what you want to do in life. Right now the life in the suburbs with the regular ole job and the two car garage and the white picket fence would probably feel suffocating for you. So don’t do it! But let’s do hang out sometime soon. 🙂


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