Return

[Reprise]:

a. A repetition of a phrase or verse.

b. A return to an original theme.

I am returning to Minnesota. Returning to the things I know. And the things I forgot I loved.

A few weeks ago, I quit blogging. But then I realized how much I like it. Not that I have anything that exciting to say, or that anyone but my mom will read this.  But just in case. And I clearly can’t write a blog with Denver in the title when I don’t live there anymore.

I love Denver. I have six weeks left here. Mostly, I’m feeling pretty neutral about it. This year is nothing that I imagined it would be. My first year in Denver was incredibly difficult, but I loved it. I hoped this year would be the same. But it hasn’t been. This year has been one of the most painful years of my life.

Some of you questioned why I decided to stay. I myself questioned it.

I’ll let you in on the secret.

It really all comes down to the fact that I wanted to be a cool kid. Denver and all of the crazy things I do/did here are infinitely cooler than the things I do/did at home. And I figured by staying here, I could absorb some extra coolness. I wanted to rid myself of my dorky qualities and act the way the world tells me a 24-year-old in the United States is supposed to. Because I have never really acted the way people want me to.

But let’s face it. I’m not a cool kid. And I never will be. It just took me ten painful months of crying myself to sleep on a regular basis to realize that I need to stop wanting to be someone that I’m not.

So here’s me.

I’m a dork. I go to bed early. I wake up before the sun comes up. I eat weird food. I hyperventilate while driving. I don’t like bars. I hate plastic and disposable products. I abhor jazz music. I don’t like wine. I don’t like yoga. I don’t like analyzing movies. And I don’t like going to a gym where I am by far the largest person.

But I like hanging out with my friends. I like books. I love my computer. I like dancing to Disney music. I love going for walks and playing card games. I eat far too much chocolate. I loooove country music and bluegrass. And screamo. Cooking makes me so happy. Frugality inspires me. I’m still trying to figure out what role my faith plays in my life. I like laughing. I love traveling. I’m a closet hippie that’s still trying to figure this all out. Maybe I never will. Maybe that’s the point.

I moved to Denver to get away from many things. Certain people, certain expectations… I needed to get out. A year away did me oodles of good. But somewhere along the road these past few months, I realized that I need to stop running. Much of what I was running from is exactly what I need to start running towards.

But my return to Minnesota will be triumphant.

Because at least now I know what I want.

And my nerd-dom makes me infinitely happier than trying to pretend to be someone I am clearly not.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Marmee on April 25, 2010 at 5:55 am

    I’m SO glad you’re moving back home!!!

    Reply

  2. Posted by bahava on May 1, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    glad you’re blogging again… 🙂

    Reply

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